Letters to Grandma 12/14/12

I've been avoiding this. Writing you/about you. I'm afraid. Of what's going to come out. Of the tears. Of verbalizing/scripting the emotions I keep trying to stuff down.

I know I need to do this. To help me grieve. To help me through. It hurts. I need to cry.

I'd been doing so great. I thought I was over the hump. On my way to being on the mend. I was thinking I was ok.

Little did I know.

Thanksgiving morning was hard. As I tried to make your rolls, the ones everyone loves, I cried so hard. I know they say its ok and it'll take time for me to get them right. I have such a hard time with not getting them right. Such. A. Hard. Time.

As it gets closer to Christmas. My heart breaks more. I'm excited for WonderBoy's first Christmas. But oh so sad that your not here. To see him. Princess. To see how much she loves her brother. To see how much he loves her. To see their love for life.

To see S and how great he's doing at his job. He quit smoking ya know! I'm so incredibly proud. Of the man he's becoming. you would be too.

And E. his girl J. She's perfect for him. She compliments him. He's doing so good. In school. Working. I'm proud of all he's accomplishing. I know. You would be too.

Everyone else is doing good too. I think They're all doing better. Better than me.

I know your so extremely happy. Your in a better place. I'm selfish. For wanting you here.

I love you.

My kids will always know you. The love you had for everyone. Especially your love for God.


P.s. I do feel a little better now.

Letters to Grandma 3/23/12

Happy Birthday Grandma Polly!

It will be 1 week tomorrow since you went home to be with the Jesus. I miss you SO much. I know your having a grand time with your Momma and Uncle Lucas and all your other family members that went on before you. Knowing that helps ease the sadness, but there is till so much I want to tell you, to show you, give you. So here I am starting a journal to tell you. I know it seems odd, but it's my way of healing and letting go. It's also my way of passing on things about you and the rest of our family to my kids and my nieces and nephews.

Oh Grandma, I wish I had spent more time with you, learning from you. Hugging you, kissing you, and loving you. I'm so glad Zoey got to know you and spend time with you. I only wish you could have held Jax. He is such a handsome boy Grandma. I know you know that and I know you will be watching Zoey and Jax grow up.

You would be so proud of Sammy Grandma! He is doing great as a car salesman! Who would've known?! Mr. Can't sit still, talks a mile a minute...it's perfect for him. He is awesome at his job! He even sat down and made a goal list for the next 3 years! He is even sticking to it! He wants to make you proud. I know you already are proud of him just like we are and always will be no matter what.

Aunt Mimi and Brian moved today. I miss her too. I need to get her phone number and address from the boys.

Oh well I better get some sleep while the kids are.

I love you Grandma!

Letters to Grandma

I have been writing letters to my Grandma Polly since about a week after she went to be with the Lord. Mainly as a way to deal with losing her. It's a good way to still feel connected to her and I get to journal about my life and things that I'm learning by doing the things she loved (cooking, crocheting, sewing and loving her family).

I decided I'm going to start posting them as well, then if anything were to ever happen to the paper copy my kids (or I) could look back at this.

I hope you all enjoy.