Letters to Grandma 12/14/12

I've been avoiding this. Writing you/about you. I'm afraid. Of what's going to come out. Of the tears. Of verbalizing/scripting the emotions I keep trying to stuff down.

I know I need to do this. To help me grieve. To help me through. It hurts. I need to cry.

I'd been doing so great. I thought I was over the hump. On my way to being on the mend. I was thinking I was ok.

Little did I know.

Thanksgiving morning was hard. As I tried to make your rolls, the ones everyone loves, I cried so hard. I know they say its ok and it'll take time for me to get them right. I have such a hard time with not getting them right. Such. A. Hard. Time.

As it gets closer to Christmas. My heart breaks more. I'm excited for WonderBoy's first Christmas. But oh so sad that your not here. To see him. Princess. To see how much she loves her brother. To see how much he loves her. To see their love for life.

To see S and how great he's doing at his job. He quit smoking ya know! I'm so incredibly proud. Of the man he's becoming. you would be too.

And E. his girl J. She's perfect for him. She compliments him. He's doing so good. In school. Working. I'm proud of all he's accomplishing. I know. You would be too.

Everyone else is doing good too. I think They're all doing better. Better than me.

I know your so extremely happy. Your in a better place. I'm selfish. For wanting you here.

I love you.

My kids will always know you. The love you had for everyone. Especially your love for God.


P.s. I do feel a little better now.